This whole question of whether to pursue theology (academically and full-time, anyway) or whether to take this other trek - it's been a struggle. It's a struggle between what I want personally (either to sit in an ivory tower dissecting Hebrew words or teaching others to do the same, an academic 'ministry' since it's highly unlikely I'll be asked to preach) or this: counseling.

I can either spend the rest of my life fighting for a theological ideal I don't think will be realized in my lifetime or I can spend my life trying to help others heal. I guess it comes down to whether I really want to do ministry - or whether I only wanted to prove a point.

I want to do this. It was a hard decision to make and a lot of people might not understand why. I never just wanted to prove a point. I only ever wanted to become a minister in order to minister. I didn't know then that it'd just become a fight. I didn't know that exercising the talents God had given me would land me solidly on the side of the heretics.

Over the last several years, the same desire to minister hasn't died. And God has a sense of humor. God has apparently taken something I hate deeply and made it an avenue of ministry, a way to serve. The whole thing is an answer to years of prayer, though in the great tradition he's established over many millennia of interacting with his people, he didn't answer it in a way that I'd hoped or wanted.

If someone has been badly burned, how is he expected to react when around fire? Or when in the presence of another burn victim? But with proper training, he may ultimately become the best one to treat the burns of another. He remembers not only what it felt like to be burned, but how it hurt to start heal. And he has insight to obstacles that reach far beyond the initial healing. He knows what it's like to live with the scars and to flinch around flame. He understands.

Anyway, it's beyond the quiet corner thinking and the sounding board stage: this is what I'm going to do, Lord willing (and it seems he is). And sadly, there's a growing market for the area of social psychology in which I'll be specializing.

I'm a theologian by nature; it seems I probably always will be, since theology is literally thinking about God. This way, I can put that thinking into practice. Maybe I'll get the opportunity to do some good.